Ghouls N’ Ghosts has an intensity rarely seen in video games. You have to go into this game thinking your going to get a tinsy bit further than the last time you played. Just a little further is all you’re really asking, so why are you being punished so viciously? Well, the problem can’t be your overall skill level. After all, you’ve been practicing on and off for about a month. Therefore, it must be either your joystick, your machine, or those screaming kids. Yeah, that’s it. Those screaming kids have been messing with your SuperGrafx system again! Putting their pudgy, sticky little fingers all over your disc and abusing your joystick, which is after all, your lifeline to this game and must be maintained at all costs. You should get up right now and tell those kids to stop screwing around with Daddy’s machine or they’ll be in hot water! Not just the semi-scalding water that comes out of your kitchen tap. No, no, no. You’ll be using heavy water from your local nuclear facility. Yes, they won’t be touching your machine again.

Ahem. Now that you’ve taken care of those pesky kids, we can move on to the real reason you can’t get any further: you just plain suck. Well, believe it or not there is a cure. No, I’m not going to try and sell you some miracle cream or a pill I’ve engineered out of sugar and corn starch – I’ll leave that job to the horde’s of uneducated immigrant workers. All you need to do is practice. Practice longer, and harder than ever before. Practice until your fingers develop blisters, and then become calloused. Yes, with those delicate digits sufficiently toughened, you’ll be playing hardball with the best of them. Just don’t let those rug-rats of yours get a hold of your system, and don’t let them watch you play. Kids have a weird genetic disease which make them instantly better than you are at the best of times. Those kids can be incredibly cruel. Your wife calls it honesty, but what the heck does she know? She hasn’t even heard of the SuperGrafx system, and you’ve owned it for months!

So, why are you watching television when you could be practicing? Why are you washing your car when you could be button mashing your way to victory? Why are you cooking dinner or asking your wife how her day went when you could be attaining the most sought after title in video game history?

Just let me know how the divorce goes, eh? And please, no more profanity.

Categories: Games, SuperGrafx
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